How to make the perfect sandwich.

19 Mar

You too can be like these happy, nipply people!

A chef I am not. But sandwiches? I can do sandwiches. Hardcore, unhealthy sandwiches are my specialty, to be specific. These are the sandwiches you make for your guy friends, your famished boyfriend, your hungover roommate or your friendly, neighborhood Olympic athletes who needs a bazillion calories in order to run properly.

In my culinary tinkering, I’ve discovered that a great sandwich comes down to just a few key elements.

SANDWICH ELEMENT #1: All delicious sandwiches are hot. I don’t want to hear about your organic turkey, local lettuce, home baked bread blah blah blah — no. In order to be ridiculously good, cheese has to be oozy and bread has to be crisp. That is the rule that all other rules are based on.

SANDWICH ELEMENT #2: Butter. You are going to fry your sandwich in butter on low heat until the bread is toasty brown and oily in such a bad/good way. Don’t be stingy! Add more to the pan if you need to! You really want to get your heart working pumping that cholesterol through. I believe the butter is the secret ingredient to sandwich happiness.

SANDWICH ELEMENT #3: Avocado. Use it. It adds great texture, good color, and if anyone calls into question the lack of vegetables in your sandwich, you can point out that avocado is a fruit and that’s almost the same thing. Kind of. Plus, if you live in California like I do, it’s pretty much a felony to not include avocado in your meal in some way. Do you really want to bring that shame on your family?

SANDWICH ELEMENT #4: The meats! Get what you want but make sure it’s good! Spend the extra cash! And bacon is always, always, always welcome.

SANDWICH ELEMENT #5: Cheese. Use enough that it gets nice and gooey and oozes over the edge and then you get to eat the pan fried cheese because you shouldn’t waste good cheese! And like the meat, get the good stuff. Sharp cheddar or sometimes Brie (oh you fancy, huh) are my go to cheeses, but I’m open to other ideas. Well, unless you’re trying to use American cheese. American cheese is the least of the cheeses.

EXTRA CREDIT: These items are ridiculously good added to a sandwich, but aren’t appropriate all the time. Use your judgement, fledgling sandwich cook.

  • Fried egg (the runnier the better, but that may just be me)
  • Fresh ground pepper
  • Caramelized onions
  • Sauteed bell peppers

Fry it all up and serve. When you get compliments on your sandwich, try your best to act humble. You can do the sandwich victory dance later.

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One Response to “How to make the perfect sandwich.”

  1. jane March 27, 2012 at 7:38 am #

    Dutch crunch, ALL THE WAY. yeah?

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