How to: Survive a trip to Target on a Sunday

26 Mar

Step 1: Pull into the parking lot. As you do so, make sure to not hit other cars, pedestrians or objects. Yes, the Acura cutting in to your lane deserves a good tap, but the ensuing ruckus will probably delay the rest of your trip.

Step 2: Circle the parking lot at least three times looking for a space. Wait for a SUV to pull out, but first watch them pack all of their bags, their three misbehaving toddlers, two strollers and one chihuahua in to the car. Repress the urge to scream profanities. That’s not the family friendly Target way.

Step 3: Find the Target entrance closest to your car. Don’t lose hope if you first walk into JC Penney or another large, confusing department store. Don’t get distracted by the shiny things in these stores. They are not for you, lowly Target shopper.

Step 4: Enter Target and choose a shopping cart. Do not get attached to this shopping cart. It will be one of many that are stolen from you over the next 40 minutes. Keep all your valuables ON YOUR PERSON. Seriously.

Step 5: Try on jeans. Have meltdown when jeans make you look like the most muffiny muffin top ever. Quickly re-evaluate plans to try on bathing suits. Swear off eating for at least three weeks.

Step 6: Attempt to not mow down fellow Target shoppers with your cart. Children will make this step difficult, as they throw themselves in front of your wheels. Just do your best. If one or two have to be hit, well, you tried.

Step 7: Pass Easter candy aisle. Decide that if you don’t eat anything else for three weeks, you can still eat Cadbury eggs and lose enough weight to fit the jeans mentioned in step 5. Put three bags in the cart. Easter candy is a limited time event!

Step 8: After finishing the rest of your shopping, proceed to the cashier area. You can identify the cashier zone by a mob of people milling about in no particular line structure. Wait at the end of a line for about five minutes before realizing that it is just a large family who have decided to stand near the front of the store. Find a real line. Watch all other lines move faster than yours. Make the best out of a bad situation and read all the articles in the tabloids about the Kardashian divorce.

Step 9: Get to the front of the line. Turn down the Target visa card offered to you by the sullen 17 year old cashier. You will be overcharged for at least two items, but don’t worry about this now, as you won’t read your receipt until you get home. Marvel at how much money you can waste in one trip to Target! It’s dazzling!

Step 10: Leave Target. Take at least fifteen minutes to find your car in the huge parking lot. Pack up the car and head out. Congratulations! You have successfully completed a trip to Target on a Sunday.  Spend the next week recuperating and eating Cadbury eggs. Plan to go to Target on a weeknight next time, but know deep down inside that you’ll end up there on a Sunday…as always.

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