Petty Fear of the Week: Swans

9 Apr

Swans. The lovely, graceful king of birds. So serene. So perfect. They are so beautiful that ballets and fairy tales are based on them.

Icy Swan Lake

Image via flickr user evannuil

NO. Have you ever actually seen one of these mofos close up? They are TERRIFYING.

Evil Swan

The tongue! Oh God, the tongue!
Image via flickr user quinn1485

The long graceful neck can move ANY WAY THEY WANT TO. This means they can reach really far in their attempts to bite you. It’s like having an angry, feathered brontosaurus trying to attack you. I don’t like it at all. It’s unnatural.

A bird's eye view

A swan, contemplating the most painful place to bite. Mofo.
Image via flickr user petervanallen

Also, these birds are mean. They hiss when they’re mad…which is like, all the time. THEY EFFING HISS. Birds really shouldn’t do that. It’s adding a snakelike element to the bird/dinosaur mix, which I’m pretty sure makes them evil incarnate.

Lesson of the day: Never ever ever trust a swan.

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6 Responses to “Petty Fear of the Week: Swans”

  1. kaie w. bird April 9, 2012 at 8:17 pm #

    Hehehe.. I remember trying to take some photos of these guys and the Alpha (or just the craziest one) ran at me and ended up biting my knee! I think I was even feeding his group before he went after me. These things are great… from afar.

    • ohdizzle April 9, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

      Gah! They’re ungrateful too! You give them food, they give you random violence. Jerk birds.

  2. Andrew Maxwell April 9, 2012 at 8:22 pm #

    This is not a petty fear. You are a 100% in the right. I’ve been chased by many a swan in my youth (sorry for feeding you bread). I mean they’re part raptor. It’s in their blood.

    • ohdizzle April 9, 2012 at 9:13 pm #

      Part raptor?! I just…I don’t…ugh.

  3. Kim (Sophisticated Dorkiness) April 10, 2012 at 2:40 am #

    Oh, wow, the tongue. That’s terrifying.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Trixie Tuesday: Round 7! « ohdizzle - May 1, 2012

    […] when I wrote that post about how I’m afraid of swans? My fears have been realized.  A man was killed by one recently. Yes. Killer swans exist. Spread […]

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