12 Apr

This is going to be on the schmaltzy, personal side. You’ve been warned.



One of my most amazing talents is my ability to hide the crazy. I may seem like a fairly down to earth, calm, normal person, but the crazy is deep in my bones. It weighs down my chest, makes my stomach hurt and fogs up my brain. It’s like an allergy, making my body react in ridiculous ways to normal, emotional stimuli.

Where does the crazy come from? Insecurity — feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough. Insecurity inevitably spins into jealousy and anxiety. I spend hours in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling, feeling the crazy squeezing my lungs. I obsessively go over situations, making the freaking Alps out of molehills. It hurts physically and emotionally, and it’s certainly not easy on either myself or the other people in my life.

The worst part is, this is all brought on by myself. My friends, boyfriend, family, etc are all great people who bolster me up, not tear me down. The only person doing that is myself. I’m the one choosing to be hurt. I choose to dwell and obsess.ย  Yes, some of it is natural. We all have down days. We all have doubts. We even all have a little crazy. But we don’t all let it poison ourselves and our relationships like I can.

So today, when I woke up feeling inexplicably jealous and anxious, I decided: NO MORE. Crazy, be gone!

I can choose to feel like I got punched in the chest, or, every time that feeling comes, I can tell myself to breathe and reboot. No one is doing this to you. You are loved. Just relaaaaaaax. It’s a corny saying, which I used to find very trite and false, but “no can hurt you without your consent” is very fitting in this situation. I can’t hurt myself without my own consent. Take that, self!

Yes, I realize this was all very Dear Diary. Forgive me. I’ll be back to the silly stuff next week.


3 Responses to “Sanity.”

  1. Looks & Books April 16, 2012 at 1:50 am #

    I can most definitely empathize. Anxiety is a huge part of my everyday life, and it can be a real challenge to keep it under control. But you’re right–it’s really awesome to just take a deep breath and tell yourself that you’re loved and life is good and that nothing is going to hurt you. Thanks for this! I love your blog. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • ohdizzle April 16, 2012 at 4:37 am #

      It’s always comforting to know that I’m not the only one! I can get a bit too much caught up in it sometimes, but writing/talking about it helps.

      Thanks for checking out my blog! I’ve been a big fan of yours for a while, so I was a bit starstruck when I saw your comment. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Danie at Pasadya April 26, 2012 at 11:13 pm #

    Oh, everyone has terrible days once in a while! I always have to remind myself that I’m in control of how I handle situations, but sometimes it’s just not graceful at ALL. I think most of my anxiety comes from comparing myself to everyone else out there. I’m slowly working on it, though. I hope you’re feeling much happier!!

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