How to: Yoga Edition

9 Jul

So you think you want to go to a yoga class. Good for you! This decision will bring you inner peace, stretched muscles and an overall glowing sheen. As a veteran yogi, having taken about three classes in my life, let me be your guide to the yoga class.

  • Step 1:

Arrive at least five minutes late. This will give everyone a chance to see your grand arrival as you cause a bit of a ruckus coming in. Also, you’ll get some extra cardio as you dash from the parking lot to the gym.

  • Step 2: 

Don’t wear yoga pants. Why would you? You don’t want to be that obvious. It’s like wearing a band’s t-shirt to their concert.  Wear those cute little running shorts you just bought. Who cares if they hardly cover your crotch when you stretch and you haven’t gotten a bikini wax in roughly forever and a day. It makes you REAL.

  • Step 3: 

Use your time when you’re staring at your feet to notice how much you need to paint them. Plot colors and designs. This is obviously a good use of the mental clarity yoga brings you.

  • Step 4: 

Put legs in awkward position. Notice that no one else looks awkwardly pained. Put arms in awkward position. Notice that no one else looks awkwardly pained. Continue this for the full hour and a half.

  • Step 5: 

After about 45 minutes, notice that you should have maybe taken a shower before coming, as you’re beginning to be a little…um…ripe. Decide that this is just how you smell in yoga mode. No shame…even when the other people begin to edge away from you.

  • Step 6:

Think about what you need to buy at the grocery store. Refocus. Think about how much more weight you have to lose until you’ll feel comfortable in a bikini. Refocus. Wonder why the teacher is wearing bright red lipstick. Refocus.

  • Step 7: 

Feel as the searing pain in your limbs fades to numbness. Revel in the numbness. Love the numbness. Be the numbness.

  • Step 8:

Wonder where yoga teachers get their super new age-y cd’s. Don’t consider how you could sabotage that business. Bad karma, dude.

  • Step 9: 

Collapse on the mat as soon as the teacher announces that it is time to end in child’s pose. Try not to whimper, pant or cry too loudly. It disturbs the others.


Follow this guide at least once every two months, when you force yourself to get off the couch and waddle to a yoga class. You’ll look like Madonna in no time!*


*Madonna looks not guaranteed. But do you really want those scary skeletor arms anyway? Didn’t think so.


7 Responses to “How to: Yoga Edition”

  1. yogaforhooligans July 9, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    Haha, love it. Re: Step 2, if you can’t find those shorts, please wear sheer leggings and ill-fitting animal print underwear

    • ohdizzle July 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm #

      YES. Noted. I mean, if you’re going to do yoga, you might as well do it in a thong…because that obviously makes sense!

    • Scott K July 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

      Jesus! I was behind someone one class who must have been ill advised to wear sheer leggings and no panties to yoga class. Scarred for life!

  2. Meg Granger (@MegsGranger) July 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

    I. LOVE. THIS. Mainly because it confirms my belief that ever trying to join a yoga class would result only in pain and heartache for me. And because that kitty is the cutest.

    On a related note, I tried a spin class once. NEVER AGAIN.

    • ohdizzle July 9, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

      Every time I go to yoga, I think, “This time, it’ll be different.” AND IT NEVER IS. But I want to be bendy! I want to be centered! Perhaps it’s not meant to be.

      I actually do like spin, but I think that’s because it takes zero coordination. And if I’m not feeling it, I can pretend to turn up the resistance…but I don’t! Take that, super fit spin instructors.

  3. Alley July 9, 2012 at 7:39 pm #

    This is everything I fear I’d do if I were to actually try a yoga class. Also why I stick to stuff like EA Active for my fitness, because if something’s going to embarrassingly kick my ass, it may as well happen in the comfort of my home

    • ohdizzle July 9, 2012 at 7:49 pm #

      Heh, yeah. I’m a big fan of at home workouts for this very reason. I just have to warn my roommate not to judge me. So far, she’s only laughed a little bit at me.

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