T-Pain is one of those guys who fascinates me, because I think he’s really a dork on the inside. First of all, he’s a rapper from the mean streets of TALLAHASSEE. Because, obviously, Tally is the rap capital of America, amirite?
He has been married since he was 18 and has three kids. The names of those kids? Muziq, Lyriq and Kaydnz. Yep.
He was once in a horrible, horrible…golf cart accident.
How can you not love this guy?
When I saw this microphone in Target, I really, really wanted it. Hearing my voice all T-Pained out was just brilliant. Alas, the price was too high, and I let it go. I have regretted it every day since.
FIVE THINGS I’D DO WITH A T-PAIN MICROPHONE
- Order everything at drive thru windows. If you were a McDonalds employee, how excited would you be if you heard T-Pain asking for a snack size McFlurry at the drive thru? Super excited! I would make everyone’s day…then smash their hopes when it was just me and this mic at the drive-up window.
- Record my voicemail message. I’d also record all my friends’ voicemail messages, whether they want it or not. Obviously, the message would start, “Baby girl, what’s your name? Let me talk to you. Let me buy you a drink.” Oh, it would be great. And then I’d owe a bunch of people drinks. Damn.
- Call Flo Rida and Pitbull. Find out the secret of why Florida makes so much “so bad, it’s good” music. Capitalize on that secret.
- Christmas caroling. “The Twelve Days of Christmas” is only bearable when sung through autotune.
- Dirty, dirty talk. No explanation needed.
And if you need any other proof of T-Pain’s dorkiness, please see this video. Note the glasses, the robot dance at 0:54, the little ditty and following crack up at 1:17, and his overall teddy bear like persona.
I really just want to pinch his cheeks. I’m sure that’s what he’s going for, right?